Focus Forward Counseling and Consulting, Inc.

Don’t Aim for Success……Aim for Fulfillment

2010-02-06T15:01:00.004-05:00

I hope 2009 was a happy one for you and you’ve had a great start to 2010. The start of a new year, for many, is a time for reflection upon the past year and an opportunity to set goals for the year ahead. Many of these goals tend to be based upon achieving success. I’d like to offer a different suggestion: rather than focusing upon success, focus on fulfillment.

There’s a radical difference between success and fulfillment. Success is often based on external rewards such as wealth, job promotions, new sales, the latest and greatest product to buy, etc. It is, for many, a source of short-lived happiness. Fulfillment, on the other hand, is about doing the things that bring yourself and others joy and contentment. It is not about money, possessions, or titles. Fulfillment is simply a product of finding meaning in your life.

Alfred Adler, a psychologist in the early 20^th century, suggested that mental health is defined by one’s social interest or, as he called it, “living on the right side of life.” Adler knew that all the counseling in the world was unlikely to help his patients to achieve fulfillment if they were self-absorbed and consumed with chasing success. What he suggested, with everyday wisdom that has since been supported by experimental science, is that people get involved with others and get invested in causes that are bigger than themselves. Social support, then, and social involvement, were the antidotes to so many problems of living back then and they remain just as helpful today. Build up your support system or get involved with a local community activity or volunteer group. Make a new friend or tell an old one that you care about them. Fulfillment will be much for likely to follow.

Puppy Training and Human Training

2009-09-07T10:57:00.005-04:00

Some of you are already aware that my wife and I recently adopted a puppy. Reggie is about four months old and filled with energy and curiosity (and urine that gets expelled at unpredictable times). Those of you who are dog owners know well how much time and energy need to be devoted for properly training a puppy. Coincidentally, I just interrupted my typing to catch Reggie chewing through a binder; he’s teething and does not suffer from weak jaws.

Anyhow, there’s a lot to be learned from training puppies. In fact, those who do well at this, whether they know it or not, are skillfully using the behavioral reinforcement principles of operant and classical conditioning. Puppies want to please. They love to get rewarded for conduct that will make their owners happy. Treats, pats on the back, belly rubs, etc., all help to teach your puppy the rules of a harmonious home life.

Skilled trainers also offer their pets large amounts of love, play, and companionship. In addition to training the puppy with reinforcement, owners bond with their pets through emotional connections that help to keep the relationship, and good behavior, consistently strong.

As I’ve been training Reggie the constant parallels between educating him about our household’s expectations and educating a partner or child have been striking. Rarely do couples, parents, or workers talk about “training” their partner, children, or co-workers but that’s exactly what happens. Reinforcers (e.g., praise, a pat on the back, a verbal “good job!”) tend to increase the strength of a particular behavioral response. Punishers (e.g., a verbal reprimand or the withholding of attention) tend to decrease the strength of a particular response. The selective application of both, with far more reinforcers than punishers, in a purposeful manner can radically shape the course of a relationship for the better. People, like puppies, are quite trainable and through counseling you, too, can learn to be a skilled trainer.

Cruelty or Mental Illness?

2009-07-29T18:27:00.001-04:00

A news story broke recently about a young mother who allegedly killed and then cannibalized her infant son (this link is not for the faint of heart: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32171926/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/). Hardly anything could be more upsetting and appalling.

As expected, the cries for retribution and punishment have been swift and severe. Calls for a lifetime prison sentence and the death penalty have been offered. My wife asked me for a psychologist’s view of this situation. Is this woman a terrible, malicious person who should be punished to the fullest extent of the law?

I’m inclined to say no not based upon the severity and tragedy of the crime - impossibly terrible - but rather upon the circumstances that must be judged in this crime. If psychological testing, interviews, etc., support the notion that this woman was in command of herself at the time of her infant’s slaying then by all means she deserves a long sentence. Purposeful, willful action in this regard would likely suggest a history of profound personality dysfunction along the likes of antisocial personality disorder. These kinds of personality problems do not suddenly develop at age 33, as in the case of the mother in this story. They have a history in childhood behaviors that commonly included cruelty to animals and disregard of rules and authority figures.

The psychoses, including such mental illnesses as postpartum psychosis and schizophrenia, are vastly different than antisocial personality disorder. One of the major points of difference is the element of personal control over one’s own conduct. Psychosis is a thought disorder in which reality testing is severely impaired. Behavior is often influenced by hallucinations and delusions that can be overwhelmingly powerful.

Imagine if, without your knowledge, someone slipped a strong drug into your drink. This mind-altering drug could influence you to make some very poor choices such as getting behind the wheel of a car in an impaired state. You end up hurting a pedestrian very badly. Surely this would be tragic but you couldn’t be blamed – you never meant to hurt anyone and you weren’t in your right mind. Still, you would likely experience feelings of anger, rage, and guilt.

Psychosis is somewhat similar. Individuals with profound mental illnesses are sadly, at times, at the mercy of their own minds. Postpartum psychosis is one such illness that can have devastating consequences not only for others but for the patient herself. If my hunch is right, when the psychotic functioning clears and this woman returns to her prior mental state you can imagine the deeply disturbing emotions she will experience. The horror, guilt, and self-recrimination will be devastating. She will need help, support, and compassionate care. Before condemning this woman, allow the information to be gathered to better determine her state of mind at the time of the incident and how much help she will need to get her own mental affairs back in order.

Can You Prevent an Affair?

2009-07-29T15:17:00.000-04:00

Much of my practice is oriented towards helping couples. One of the occupational hazards of this kind of work is dealing with the ugliness of affairs. These choices spare no one from damage: the spouse or partner who's cheated upon, the children if any are involved, friends and co-workers who attempt to harbor secrets in the name of loyalty, and even the individual him/herself who has engaged in the affair. All suffer and all deserve help and compassion.

I wonder, though, whether affairs can be prevented before they happen? Premarital counseling is available and offers some hope. However, rarely is it the case that newlyweds enter into premarital counseling with an eye out for the potential threat of an affair. New love is safe and it's comforting. What could possibly go wrong?

Lots. Estimates of the rate of infidelity vary widely but it's fair to say that the problem is widespread within American culture. It's an even bigger problem when you consider emotional infidelity. In other words, someone doesn't have to have extramarital sex to have an affair - developing a close, romantic bond with someone other than one's partner is all it takes.

Threats come from all angles. Boredom. Routine. The workplace romance. The old friend who has begun to flirt with you. The increasingly popular social networking sites (think Facebook and MySpace). Heck, there's even a website called ashleymadison.com that promotes infidelity - its slogan is "The World's Premier Discreet Dating Service." Over four million people are members.

Getting back to the point of this entry: can affairs be prevented? In some cases, yes. Couples must be aware of boundary crossings, or steps over the line that threaten the security of their relationship. These boundary crossings can be big or small. Here are a few examples: (1) minimal disclosures about private information that are better kept within the couples' relationship, e.g., taking bedroom conversation out of the bedroom and complaining about one's partner to someone outside the relationship; (2) flirting that starts innocently but through the magic of reciprocity becomes more than playful; (3) having a private series of communications that one's partner is not aware of.

The basic guideline for knowing whether your relationship is at risk is simple. If you can't tell your partner about who you're friends with and if you feel as though you need to keep secrets and use deception to keep an extramarital relationship alive, it becomes very likely that an affair will happen. The shared deception increases the risk level and, therefore, the thrill of that relationship. This in itself is seductive for many. It's not long before an affair becomes consummated.

My advice? If you have secretive relationships that you feel can't be discussed with your partner or spouse this is all the information you need to know that your relationship is in troubled waters. The solution is as simple as the problem - share of yourself, your thoughts, your fears, and your hopes with your partner. Seek help and stop the problems before they start.

So.....

2009-07-29T14:29:00.000-04:00

Rather than staring at a blank screen attempting to come up with an opening line on par with something from Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities, it seems best to simply get started with this blog. As I ask my students to do, I hope you will be able to ask and find a satisfactory answer to the "Why should I care question?" after reading this blog.

According to thefuturebuzz.com website 133 million blogs have been created since 2002. On average there are 900,000 blog posts within every 24 hour period. Do I expect that this blog will rise to the top and attract worldwide attention? No.

I hope that this blog will capture your attention by offering content that's interesting and relevant to your life. Thanks for your time and I look forward to sharing my thoughts, curiosities, and concerns about the world of counseling and mental health with you.

Best,
Dr. Brad